Friday, May 15, 2015

School Starts.

Trail run on the Bonneville Shoreline.

I am feeling a bit panicky as this is my last official weekend before I embark on a three-year, year-round journey to complete my Doctorate of Nurse Practitioner program in Mental Health. I am about to be a student again! And after an almost 8-year break from reading and studying and powerpoint-making, I feel as though it will be a major shock to my system.

We all know how already spread thin I feel lately.

I had a moment this morning where I felt tears spring to my eyes as I thought about how I will ever balance my role as both a mom and a wife, a full-time nurse in the ER and a graduate student for a very demanding program all while continuing to consistently work out and maintain my friendships. I know it will take some time to adjust to what will be our new-normal for the next few years and hopefully my two prerequisite classes that begin Monday will help to jog my memory on how to be a student once again.

I'm interested to see if my type-A student habits remain intact.

Happy Weekend! What are your plans? Happy hour at Finca this afternoon and then I am going to the opening night of the ballet with friends. Work and school prep for the remainder of the weekend!

Weekly Workouts: Monday - CrossFit! Tempo front squats: 4-3-2-3-4-8 (105lbs), then Randy: 75 power snatches (65lbs). Tuesday - CrossFit! Shoulder press: 8-6-6-10 (103lbs) + 90-degree bent over rows (103lbs). Then partner WOD 21-15-9 of deadlifts + chest-to-bar 145lbs/red band (partner holds static hold of bar at waist or static hang while the partner works), my grip was toast after! Wednesday - Rest day! Thursday - Trail run! 4.1 miles/38 min/747 ft elev gain. Friday - Road bike ride! Emigration Canyon. 15.3 miles/56 min/1,318 ft elev gain.

Friday, May 8, 2015

My heart.

Scenes from Antelope Island. March 2015.

"I'm teased for being love-struck because of my silence, then teased further for my failure to react. But throughout the day, my heart roams in and out of my chest as though tethered to its own misery"

- Jim Shepard, Your Fate Hurtles Down at You

Happy weekend! What are your plans? I have to work tonight and tomorrow night then a Mother's Day brunch (with drinks!!) with friends at Finca!

Weekly Workouts: Monday - CrossFit! Front squats: Rep scheme 6-5-5-5-5-6 (115lbs), then 150 wall balls (14lbs) w/ 100-meter penalty for every break in WBs = 8:58. Tuesday - After a night shift and those wall balls, rest day! Wednesday - Road bike ride! 14.7 miles/52 min/1,153 ft elev gain. Downtown to water treatment plant in City Creek Canyon and back. Thursday - CrossFit! Tempo deadlifts: Rep scheme 8-6-4-8-6-4 (2 sec from the ground, 0 sec at the top, 5 sec down) = 143lbs, then 30 cal assault bike + 20 toes-to-bar (I can finally do them!) + 200-meter sprint + 20 T2B + 30 cal assault bike = 8:52. Friday - CrossFit! Weighted ring dips and pull-ups (ha! red band) then 3 RFT of 7 burpee pull-ups + 10 cal row, :30 sec rest. 9 sumo deadlift high pulls (65) + 200m run, :30 sec rest. 11 thrusters (65) + 30 double unders (4:45, 4:49, 4:46).

Thursday, May 7, 2015


The Colorado National Monument. Fruita, CO.

A few weeks ago Lee and Alice took a trip to Canada without me. A limited span of days off from work and an $800 plane ticket were major factors in why I didn't go but there was also something else: I was in desperate need of some time alone.

Before they left on their daddy-and-daughter trip to visit my in-laws, I felt my patience for the daily grind waning. I bickered incessantly with Lee. I snapped frequently at Alice. I found myself with gritted teeth and boiling blood on most days. Every day I felt completely spent.

Burned out. Deflated. Threadbare.

Those ten days alone without my two loves certainly helped to alleviate some of the funk I had found myself in but, to be completely transparent, I am still struggling with our every day. Alice has entered a supremely difficult stage where everything we ask her to do results in an irrational fight or an enormous meltdown or hysterical tears. I know this will pass and eventually she'll grow out of it but I find myself wondering when it ever will and if I will ever enjoy being a mother again.

Because frankly right now, I really don't.

It may sound harsh to say that I don't enjoy being a mother but, in this moment, it is my truth. I've always kept this blog as a way to document my life, both the good and the bad, and to be inauthentic as to what I am going through completely defeats the purpose. Continuing in the vein of authenticity (and to give my harsh feelings a bit of background), my most frustrating mothering moments, when all I feel like doing is running from our loft, never to return, are usually on the tail-end of a string of night shifts when I am sleep-deprived and emotionally volatile.

Not surprisingly, Lee and I have decided those are not the days that I will be the primary caretaker.

There is some good news here, though: Lee and I have found ourselves stronger and more in love as of late. With a tantrum-throwing toddler at our feet on most nights, we've struggled to keep our cools with each other and have had to make heroic efforts to not take out our frustrations over our daughter's behavior on each other. We had a wonderful and much-needed date last night where we talked, I cried, and we committed to getting through this stage of parenthood in one piece.

And without killing our little spit-fire.

And now to shed a positive light on an otherwise negative post, I finished my 50K a few weekends ago. Lee and I left Alice with Grandma Julie for a few nights so that we could get away to Fruita and so that I could run the beautiful trails of the Colorado National Monument. Sadly there was rain again this year which changed the course from one 31.6-mile loop into three 10.3-mile loops.

Except during the first loop, we ran 14.8 miles due to a poorly marked course.

So my annual 50K was more like a 56K. But despite my bitching at the race director before my third loop and almost losing a toenail, I loved every minute of participating in that race.

Even those additional 6 kilometers.


Desert cacti in full bloom. // 50K finisher! April 18th, 2015.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Life updates.

Salt Lake City's new Public Safety Building.

I'm embarrassed at how completely I've abandoned blogging. What was once something I did almost daily has become even less than an afterthought. So many things have happened over the last few weeks that it would be remiss of me not to document these important life milestones. Please bear with me as I try to give you an update.

Back in March I was notified that I have been accepted into the Psychiatric/Mental Health Doctorate of Nurse Pracitioner program at the University of Utah for fall 2015. I am still in disbelief that I will soon be a student again and, I'll admit, I'm a bit nervous at what toll full-time school and full-time work might have on my personal life. But fortunately I have a very supportive husband and a somewhat flexible work schedule which will hopefully help make my three years as a full-time graduate student more tolerable.

To put it in perspective, by the time I graduate with my DNP I'll be almost 40 and I will have a 6-year old. Yikes.

Now some sad news: we sold my red TDI Jetta a few weeks ago. But we replaced it with the most gorgeous car: a Daytona grey Audi S-line Q5 TDI. It took me some time to figure out the bells and whistles on this car but now that I am more comfortable, I am completely obsessed with driving it. It is the nicest car that either of us have ever driven and we are treating it like our second child with frequent washings and obsessively parking it where the doors won't get dinged.

As you can imagine, trying to teach a 3-year old not to kick the leather seats with muddy feet or to touch the buttons with sticky hands has proved to be a challenge.

But cars are durable! And she is slowly learning to be respectful of our newest family member.


Pink blossoms at the SL Public Library.


Feeding the ducks! March 22nd, 2015.

Dear Love Bug,

You are now three years old! And what a big girl you are becoming. Your birthday was very special this year with many family members traveling from afar to celebrate your big day with you. Tia Amanda came all the way from Sri Lanka and she brought you the most beautiful presents from her world travels. You loved wearing your traditional Indian pants with elephants on them while jangling your wrists with the brightly colored, toddler-sized bracelets so that you could look just like your Tia. Grandpa Glen and Coco drove all the way from California, bringing you your own batch of freshly baked brownies and a new princess LEGO set.

We had your third birthday party at one of your favorite places, the Tracy Aviary. Daddy made your birthday invitations and did all the planning and we were both shocked when 14 kids and over 20 adults RSVP'd yes to your party! It was a beautifully warm spring morning and we enjoyed mini frittatas, almond butter and honey sandwiches, fruit, juice boxes, and coffee. And your dad was so smart and brought along a large bottle of Bailey's.

Those 20 adults were very pleased with Daddy's decision to bring booze along.

The Aviary staff brought out two very friendly ducks named Salt and Pepper and you and your friends got to feed them duck food right out of your hands! At first you were a bit nervous as they waddled around and pecked at the food but as soon as you saw them come your way you were excited to join in and feed them, too. After that the staff took everyone to the duck pond where you toddlers threw fistfuls of duck food into the pond.

I'm sure those ducks and geese loved the arrival of the 14 squealing kids.

Leading up to your third birthday we had talked to you about getting rid of your beloved "pa." We told you what a big girl you are becoming and how it was time to send your pacifiers to another baby who needs them. So a few days after your birthday, you and Daddy packed up all your "pa's" in a box, taped it up , walked to the post office and shipped it off to another baby.

And you've been giving us hell at bedtime ever since we shipped your pacifiers away.

But we know you will get over your pacifiers eventually much like you got over refusing to poop in the toilet for almost six months. Your daddy and I were at our wits end on many occasions as you squirmed around doing the "poop dance" all while insisting you were just doing a "regular dance" despite all of us knowing you needed to just sit on the toilet do your business.

You've certainly kept us on our toes lately, my love.

You love school and we will soon be sending you five mornings a week! You love to dress up in your sparkly tutu, put on your "dancing shoes" and prance around our loft dancing to music! You love to play doctor and nurse with your stuffed animals, giving them "shots" and making them take "medicine" so that they don't "make vomit." Grayson is still your very best friend and you ask almost daily if we can play with him. You are throwing less frequent tantrums but when they do occur, they are enormous and involve kicking and screaming and crying and hitting (daddy and I sure hope those end soon!). You love sleeping in your big girl bed although you still flop out of your bed in the middle of the night most days of the week.

Alice Glen, we love you so much.


Mama & Daddy

Third birthday @ the Tracy Aviary.

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