The Colorado National Monument. Fruita, CO.
A few weeks ago Lee and Alice took a trip to Canada without me. A limited span of days off from work and an $800 plane ticket were major factors in why I didn't go but there was also something else: I was in desperate need of some time alone.
Before they left on their daddy-and-daughter trip to visit my in-laws, I felt my patience for the daily grind waning. I bickered incessantly with Lee. I snapped frequently at Alice. I found myself with gritted teeth and boiling blood on most days. Every day I felt completely spent.
Burned out. Deflated. Threadbare.
Those ten days alone without my two loves certainly helped to alleviate some of the funk I had found myself in but, to be completely transparent, I am still struggling with our every day. Alice has entered a supremely difficult stage where everything we ask her to do results in an irrational fight or an enormous meltdown or hysterical tears. I know this will pass and eventually she'll grow out of it but I find myself wondering when it ever will and if I will ever enjoy being a mother again.
Because frankly right now, I really don't.
It may sound harsh to say that I don't enjoy being a mother but, in this moment, it is my truth. I've always kept this blog as a way to document my life, both the good and the bad, and to be inauthentic as to what I am going through completely defeats the purpose. Continuing in the vein of authenticity (and to give my harsh feelings a bit of background), my most frustrating mothering moments, when all I feel like doing is running from our loft, never to return, are usually on the tail-end of a string of night shifts when I am sleep-deprived and emotionally volatile.
Not surprisingly, Lee and I have decided those are not the days that I will be the primary caretaker.
There is some good news here, though: Lee and I have found ourselves stronger and more in love as of late. With a tantrum-throwing toddler at our feet on most nights, we've struggled to keep our cools with each other and have had to make heroic efforts to not take out our frustrations over our daughter's behavior on each other. We had a wonderful and much-needed date last night where we talked, I cried, and we committed to getting through this stage of parenthood in one piece.
And without killing our little spit-fire.
And now to shed a positive light on an otherwise negative post, I finished my 50K a few weekends ago. Lee and I left Alice with Grandma Julie for a few nights so that we could get away to Fruita and so that I could run the beautiful trails of the Colorado National Monument. Sadly there was rain again this year which changed the course from one 31.6-mile loop into three 10.3-mile loops.
Except during the first loop, we ran 14.8 miles due to a poorly marked course.
So my annual 50K was more like a 56K. But despite my bitching at the race director before my third loop and almost losing a toenail, I loved every minute of participating in that race.
Even those additional 6 kilometers.
Desert cacti in full bloom. // 50K finisher! April 18th, 2015.
I love your honesty.ReplyDelete
Three is rough. Really rough. They are SO emotional. I tell Jason that Nolan is like a thirteen year old girl about to get her period any moment on some days.ReplyDelete
I think it's often why I long to work again. Sure, it's because I miss the work itself, but honestly, I just want time to miss him, just a little.
You aren't alone in your feelings, and I can only imagine if I was working FT in the ED (and night shift, OMG!) I would be more fried than having an office type job.
Being a mom is REALLY hard. I don't even know that it gets easier, just different. But I think that social media (blogs, FB, Insta) all make it seem like these other moms have it ALL together. When in reality I think we all feel overwhelmed and worn out. Add on top of it the "working mom" aspect. When I come home from work sometimes I literally just want to sit and do nothing. But that is rarely an option. Kids need feeding, help with homework, etc. So basically we don't ever watch TV in the evenings anymore. Which sad to say, I MISS. It was my unwind time when my kids were little. Now they're getting older and I just don't have the energy in me to fight to watch "my show". Sorry no answers here. On a brighter note, congrats on the race finish!! 50K sounds awesome! Do you have any suggestions for some starter trails here in the valley. I am deathly afraid of getting lost. Hubs and I went up to Corner Canyon one Saturday and loved it. But I'd like some more lengthier options.ReplyDelete
You are doing a great job as a mother. I was thinking back about you and your sister, how as a single mother, I relied heavily on my older sisters to help raise you! They provided great advice and also a great 'relief' for me when I would ask them to take you both for a weekend or two. I loved you both so much... but just had to have a break now and then. Alice is a very smart, opinionated, stubborn little girl (kind of like her mother). She loves you too. Keep up the good work. xoxoReplyDelete
You are describing Lulu at the moment. She doesn't listen or she decides that she knows better ('what would mummy know about matches, of course I should play with them') or she melts down randomly. I am overly snappy and feel like I am a little crazy. I can't imagine what I would be like if I also worked shifts! Sounds like you did the best thing in having some time to yourself. I took a catch up day today and it feels so much better. Sometimes you need a little time for you. Well done on finishing the 50 (56k)!ReplyDelete