Remembering warmer days at the SL Public Library. September 2013.
Another month and another period, which means I'm still not pregnant (here's your chance to stop reading if this topic doesn't interest you). Mostly, I take getting my period in stride. I've walked down the Could I be pregnant this month? road enough that I know not to get my hopes too high as the end of my cycle approaches. I'm managing my expectations, as my husband would say.
So this month we went to Napa! The day we drove there was the day I expected my period to start. And it didn't. Nor did it the next day. Or the next. So of course my brain immediately went into overdrive and that little pregnancy ember started to flame. By Monday, at 4 days late, the fire was fully ablaze and I'd pretty much convinced myself that this was our month! I was definitely pregnant.
And then I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday. To use the vernacular of those trying to conceive: I got a BFN... a big fat negative.
So I rationalized. I didn't test first thing in the morning. And Maybe it's still too early. Then the sane and mentally protective part of my brain said Or maybe you're not actually pregnant.
More days passed and still no period. Thanksgiving came and I drank champagne and wine a little less liberally. Friday morning came and now, at 7 days late, I thought for sure I'd see a big fat positive on that pee stick. Nope. Another BFN.
I spent countless hours googling late periods and negative tests and the rise of the hcg hormone. I over analyzed every twinge, every symptom that might indicate I was pregnant. I counted and recounted the days in my cycle to see if I missed something. Despite those two negative tests, I let my mind run wild with the possibility that I just might be pregnant.
And then, at 12 days late, my period finally decided to show up.
For 12 days I thought I could be pregnant. For 12 days I dreamed and calculated and imagined the next nine months with another baby and a sibling for Alice growing inside of me. For 12 days my body played the meanest trick possible on my mind.
I guess I need to better manage those expectations next month.
Weekly workouts: Monday & Tuesday - Drive days! No workouts. Wednesday - Run! 5.5 miles/44 minutes. Thursday - CrossFit! 2-rep max back squat (hip flexors are still tight so I did lunges, 5 sets of 4 @ 65lbs), then reps of 10-20-30 of lateral stick jumps (18 inches) + burpees. Friday - CrossFit! 1-rep max Turkish get-ups (35lbs), 1-rep max weighted strict pull-ups (Ha! I did one with the thin purple band), then 40-30-20-10 reps of double-unders + 20-15-10-5 reps of handstand push-ups (2 ab mats).
I'm so sorry! Our bodies are so crazy sometimes. Mine was 5 days late this month (I am never late!) & I had the same thoughts and plans. I was sitting on the fence as to whether I want another baby so the experience has made me realise that I do want one, if you can take a positive from a negative experience?! Managing expectations is hard to do when you want something so badly.ReplyDelete
Oh honey, that is so hard. I had a month like that when trying for #1, and it just sucked. Managing expectations, for me at least, is always a work in progress.ReplyDelete
It will happen... I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. xoxoReplyDelete
I'm so sorry! This is no fun and I feel your pain. I had a similar experience last month and I played the crazy mind games too. 4 days late and I already had my announcement date to my friends & family decided on. Again, CRAZY!!!! Why do we do this to ourselves? The worst part is this cycle seems to never end. Here I am, a month later and I'm in the two week waiting period, trying not to think about it, but obsessing more and more as the days pass. I hope someday it has an end because this waiting is literal torture.ReplyDelete
It's so unfair when that happens! My body has played this trick on me too... I'm thinking of you, Briana. Stay positive!ReplyDelete
I am so sorry, that's the worst feeling. I have also had an early false positive, or chemical pregnancy I guess... heart wrenching. There is nothing that makes struggling to have a baby any easier , but you do have a wonderful life. I see all of your amazing travels and runs and am ever impressed that you manage to fit all that in on top of motherhood. It will all work out, I just know it. Hugs.ReplyDelete