A brand-new Alice holding hands with a brand-new Daddy.
A few things lately have gotten me on the path of thinking that maybe having only one kid is the way to go. Sure, Alice is a hot-mess on most days at 18-months old but that is to be expected at this age. I know the first two years of a child's life are probably the most labor-intensive for the parents and let me just be blunt and say I'm pretty sure the costs outweigh the benefits (I love you, Alice!). And selfishly, I'm sort of enjoying getting eight hours of sleep a night and having abs again.
But it's more than that.
Having your spouse out of a job really puts the costliness of raising a child into perspective. Like I've said before, we're not in the poorhouse but I'd also like to keep it that way. Not that having another kid would knock us into financial ruin, it would just make finding an income and settling into another career more pressing. And what about our plans to live small in just under 1,100-square feet?!
Then there is the possibility that I won't be able to get pregnant the good ol' fashioned way. Yes, I got pregnant once before without too much intervention (just a whiff of Clomid) but I was 32 when we conceived Alice and now I'm knocking at the door of 35. And I've also had a c-section which, I found out thanks to Dr. Google, can sometimes lead to secondary infertility due to adhesions and the like.
And we are definitely not up for any heroics to conceive baby number two.
It's been more than a few months since we decided to start trying for another child. More like 11 months, actually, and I am still not pregnant. I realize that Alice isn't even two years old yet but, when you want something, months seem like years. And when you feel the pressure of waning fertility and increasing age in both parents, each unsuccessful month is one more page closed in the chapter of having another baby.
I'm not trying to be melodramatic but more honest with what may or may not come to pass for us. I also realize how fortunate I am to already have a healthy and beautiful and smart little girl who I was able to carry healthfully for 40 weeks and 6 days as many women don't even get that opportunity.
If she is the only child we ever create then we are so lucky.
When I close my eyes and picture our future as a family, I still see Alice with a sibling and, for the time being, we're still in the running to have another baby. At this point, I am definitely not ready to say one-and-done as I think I'd regret that decision years from now when all of my eggs have shriveled up and the opportunity to have another child is gone.
So for now, we're taking things one month at a time. And crossing our fingers for whatever the future holds.
My breath catches and my eyes well every time I look at this picture... March 27th, 2012.